Sunday, snowstorms, pizza

Feeling kinda Sunday today but a gloomy day was much needed here in the valley so I think we are all accepting the shit weather as a time to use the time to do personal projects annes I guess it’s time I use personal time wisely and focus on my personal project which is me and the anger and resentments that I clearly do not have a grip on yet. My birthday was what I wanted and was low key with the crew and making and mastering homemade pizza pies all day. I didn’t make any but I watched very closely so I feel that’s enough and it was. I couldn’t take my mind off my dad and brother yesterday because as I felt would happen I didn’t hear a peep from a single one of them on my birthday and that just filled the resentment tank full again. I mean I can’t act surprised because I’m not at all but that doesn’t make me any less tattered. It hurts badly but I really really really need to get over it. It’s absolutely holding me back and ultimately made me question everything and I know in my heart I can’t let that happen because I truly truly truly believe in the life I’m living now. It’s extremely frustrating and typically lonesome but at the end of the day when I go to bed I know in my heart that the big picture here is truly what I need to focus on. All the books and quotes from 500years back until now mention things being hard before the miracle. Maybe all this stuff is the final storm. The thing that’s been killing me mentally though is the unknown as to what it was I did that pushed them over the top and forced the push of the kill switch in our relationship and all I can come up with is the possibility that maybe this blog could be a part of it. If that’s the case than I’ll take the silence with a smile because that’s absurd. I’m open about the healing path of used because if I document it all then I’m sharing personal experiences and therefore maybe there’s something that one of you 7 maybe found helpful. Physcadelics, weed, emdr, MDMA anything. They can be extremely extremely extremely helpful tools if done the right way in a controlled environment, which we always do. I’m not ashamed of that and I would do it over again and will probably continue to as needed. The thing with the physcadelics and shit is they are extremely effective but I’m sure you could get into them the same way as alcohol or coffee and overdo it just as anything else but I don’t and hope to never do that. They are fun to use monthly maybe but other than mushrooms, haven’t had a dose in over a week, you couldn’t get into a routine with them I don’t think. I don’t have the phd in those yet but plan on having it soon because I’m absolutely positive the things will help keep a fuck ton of veterans out of the ground. I’m not mainly focused on just veterans and suicide in particular on this project and the substances aren’t easy to come by where I am so it’s kinda been non existent for a bit and will probably be that way until I can get out of this place. Just for a few days, just to get my shit together and then I think the rest of this project will be a breeze and extremely fun. Back to my dad though if this is what he based his decision on than good riddance. I was raised to do what’s right and am extremely proud of the level of integrity i live my life with. I guess I kinda went against the current yeah but that doesn’t make it wrong. I’m busting my ass for free day in and day out to create something amazing to help people heal in hundreds of ways and create a safe place for people in need. We have a family from new Mexico in route currently and plan on their arrival tomorrow and as far as i know the woman is prego and ready to pop at any second and we can expect having a natural birth here this week. That’s not crazy here and our neighbor has had 3 natural births there from mothers he was helping get back on their feet. These people see drs the same way I do, useless for the most part. I’m crabby and don’t want to write anymore but I’m going to go grab some paints and get right. Today I wish I had a TV.

J-out 1922

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