Journey through the coast

Well I’m finally back in crestone after 11 days of driving, exploring and lots of thinking. First I’d like to start by saying I’m back in crestone but no longer in my room bed cause it seems someone arrived and decided to move into it so that’s nice but it kinda goes with how the everything feels now. Maybe the months and years of continuously being disappointed, let down, angry, confused etc is all karma. Who the fuck knows but I’ve become used to it although the emotions that are tied to them don’t change the reaction I have has definitely quietly just vanished. It’s sick of fighting as well I think. The road trip to get Robin was a success and I got him Friday and we drove up the coast and camped along the way and I actually liked the driving part. Other things happened that pissed me off all the way through the trip as well and up until yesterday I hadn’t snapped on anyone yet. That happened and it felt good but didn’t solve anything. The trip itself didn’t solve anything as I had intended it to. It made me realize that I could never live the way that these guys do. Bouncing from place to place with no money but sure that the universe will provide it and that there’s still good people out there. I want to believe in that philosophy, I really do and I try to live that way but that’s a very small percentage of the world population that see things this way and hunting them down has not worked. It made me realize that i want to seriously plant some roots somewhere and start creating a more permanent life. I’m tired and just beat down. December 25th, 2014 when I got sober it opened up a can of emotions that can’t be described and it ultimately led me to where I am now but there’s never been any certainty in my life ever. The longest span I have lived anywhere was green bay and that was where I dug the giant hole to my rock bottom and than tried to kill myself when I got there. I am not that guy anymore and I’m grateful that by some act of God I’ve stayed sober but nothing has really changed in terms of my life becoming better. In fact I have 50x less things now than I did when I was fucked up. I learned on the road trip that I’m still very angry and being robbed probably fanned that flame but it is more than possessions. It’s about the people that have turned their back on me. By the time I pulled into colorado yesterday I decided that the only possible thing that could be the cause has to be me. Than when I decided it had to be my choices that was causing all the b.s. I dig into each one of those and got to work. I didn’t learn anything knew and nothing jumped out at me but perhaps I read different books than others and I’m living all wrong. There’s no way that “true happiness” involves any of the feelings ive been experiencing the past few months. It’s impossible. I get that most had things to learn from each situation but there’s no way that overcoming adversity or kicks in the dick over and over are paying off for anyone, they wore me down and I’m out of books to read and quotes to glance at. It’s not extreme depression or anything but more like extreme frustration because I thought I was living with good intentions, guess they weren’t good enough. I knew when I got to crestone 2 months ago it was about to become very personal and it did and it seems like that’s where I seem to be losing. I’m not saying I’m done trying to be a good person but I’m saying I’m done trying to save to world. That’s not my role and I guess it never was but it sounded good so I approached it with my ears pinned back but got knocked down time and time and time again until I landed where I am now and I don’t want to get up anymore. I’m really really really close to stealing the car I just traveled with and hitting the road for another 22 hours and heading to Michigan. To me that’s embarrassing and it shouldn’t be but it is because my whole life I said I would never live there and now here I am and it might be my only option left because I’m not doing this anymore. I can’t. Maybe all I’m missing isn’t purpose and maybe it’s even much simpler than that. Maybe if I can ever become completely happy within that will be plenty to live a wonderful life. Giving up on fortunes and possessions was done a decade ago but I still chased after it. I am burnt the f out. There were moments of amazing amazing amazing feelings of meaning and purpose that I’ll never forget but the internal feelings I used to get and maintain constantly that told me that my soul liked something have completely died now. I great song could chase some goosebumps but it’s rare. I used to be in a constant state like that and everything was aligned and the energy was amazing but that was sucked from me here as well. I’m not ashamed of that because it’s more rare that people survive here full time that it is that they are chased out. I’m a competitor with everything I do in my life unfortunately and although winning became less important the competitive nature stays. I’m not a quitter but I’m ready for a long long break from the game. I think I know in the bottom of my heart that when I go back to Michigan, if I find a ride, that I’ll probably be more keen to sway back into the alcohol game though and part of me doesn’t even really value that anymore because things were easier than. I was just as depressed but at least I was having fun all the time. I guess my vision of my future is just currently grim due to the nature of my mindset but it’s not the dream I carried a few months ago. Now I only question what the fuck my intentions even were. It just doesn’t make sense anymore. Nothing does and I’m confused by the hell I even think I am anymore. I searched so hard for who I really was that I lost everything and now I’m done playing. Maybe life in Michigan will be good for me… I’m not sure. All I know is I want a break. I need a break. My life may appear to be some great vacation, and it was briefly, but that’s not the case I assure you of that. I’m blessed and I know that thankfully but I need a break and I think ive earned one so I think it’s best just to get out of here while I’m still kinda good and rethink things. Maybe God led me here for everything to happen just as it has,,, I’m done thinking about it though and now I’m going to shift my attention to my extraction from Colorado. If this vehicle thing goes well I will leave today and drive back but if not than it gets tricky but not impossible. Stay tuned…. I’m sure my family will have a good laugh when they here I didn’t make it in colorado but fuck em


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