I’m not mad today, I wasn’t really upset at all yesterday either. I’m just in a constant state of overwhelming confusion it seems. Today I blew my wad to catch that couple up on their car payments and take over their loan and although the registration expired I could leave and up until 10minutes ago I was. My car is actually packed tight with all my things and I could be gone any second and never look back but again I’m confused. Today I had to return to the same Ukrainian kid I picked up two days ago to Denver because this place wasn’t for him at all. I saw the look in his face yesterday and could tell he was extremely uncomfortable and out of place so when the day settled I grabbed him and the guy from Finland and said let’s go for a ride. I of course grabbed Bernie and we headed to a creek in town. I knew Mert was all but done here in crestone so I thought I should show him the city before he rang the bell. When we got in the car I drove about 3 minutes and said that I understood his look on his face and said “you want ti go home don’t you?” And he immediately responded yes and before he finished I said I would get him out because I knew the feeling and to just give me the word and than took them to a temple and the ziggurat. It was a nice few hours and I got to know him a bit better and could tell he was young but intelligent and had a good heart. He asked me a lot of questions about the military and I kinda shared a little bit about my story and showed some humility to ease his tension. I was drinking my 7a.m. coffee this morning and he walked in with his bag and 2 minutes later the couple walked in telling me what they were behind on payments. I paid them and took the keys and got Mert where he needed to go and we had an amazing conversation and he flattered me with his opinions of me. He described how the men back home didn’t show emotions and honesty like me. I took a poll when I got back to find out who amongst us thinks I’m a dick, I absolutely consider myself “that guy” in the group and I’m ok with that because I’m always honest at least and everyone knows that what they see is what they get with me. I have an amazing heart and never say things to upset people but people are careful around me when they’re talking because I jump in and call people on bullshit all the time but that’s me I suppose. I also get called out and I always thank them because I need that and I want them to understand when I say things I’m not doing it to be a jerk but I don’t have a filter. Never have I guess…. break…. side note: I just bailed without saying goodbye and started driving but stopped near the creek to think and let Bernie do his thing. I just feel like I’m crazy and am putting in some serious serious serious efforts to try and get a grasp on things but am coming up short. It’s like there’s so many things going through my mind that it’s just impossible to get a grip and I can’t just be alone in an environment made for just getting grounded. Part of my brain is just screaming to go home for a few weeks and just reflect and another part is softly whispering to me that I know that’s an absolute terrible idea and the other part chirps in and starts thinking about what it would be like if I gave up my sobriety which is all but inevitable if I go home and that erects another part of the brain that immediately starts thinking of shame and how that would destroy me and than the other part comes in and says if you don’t go somewhere for a while your done, then the famous part comes along and gets soaked with depression because I start thinking of the financial parts of leaving here and that’s when I get pissed. I wish I had a cottage alone somewhere that isn’t 20 hours away but with a close friend and just be alone and be allowed to just talk relentlessly for hours as they hold my space. I hate when my brain leans into that idea hard and quickly realize that isn’t an option anymore. I had lots of options and right now sitting in Tampa smoking a fatty with my dad seems ideal, under different circumstances of course. I’m not the only one going through these things I learned last night in our “pow wow” meeting with our fearless and amazing leader because she’s hitting the road herself for a week. She’s a master at the energy things and teaches some classes locally and just kinda talked to us about how the whole fucking universe is currently going absolutely crazy. Being around all these educated people in the field of astrology and such is fascinating because it’s absolutely true when you look into it. Go ahead and give the universe a Google. Check out the major shift and read into it because it’s completely true and ive been giving you a play by play for 8 weeks now but that shit sucks and being informed about the whos and why’s don’t make any difference although it’s good to know I’m not the only one in the current battle. Everyone is and only some know it and can play their cards right. In our eyes I guess it’s a really good thing and kinda what brought us all together through or own paths but I’m not sure I’m cut out to be playing in the big leagues right now. I feel like I would have been sent down to AAA weeks ago for my off field performance mentally. I had to borrow money from a super good military buddy last week to get home and I paid him back today and we were texting and he was busy trying to sway my approach at life and how I need to stop trying to help everyone and focus on myself. Heard that before…. thanks SM. I think I get super super angry all the time because I take it personal when people don’t understand, even when they try to act like they get it I know in my heart there’s no possible way they can understand this shit show.
This article is kinda helpful if you choose to acknowledge it. Now take that info and multiply the energy x’s 70 or so and that’s what living here is like. If you look at the current fire conditions out here right this second you’ll see those are out of control as well. Highways are being shut down all around us and the smoke can be seen easily in the distance. Crestone and all it’s crazy spiritual shit will remain unscathed I bet but it’s still worrisome. Everything is worrisome I guess but I’m not in super depressed mode and want an end but I’m seriously about to be locked up in the mental ward by self check in. I could walk away now and that’s an easy decision but after I leave than what? I can’t afford to go anywhere cool and the options currently lie in the hostile territory. I think I’m going to sleep on this for a night and leave my bag packed and get really high, meditate, hope I find some clarity and go from there. The vibe here has been rescued but I just don’t want to do anything right now so I’m just kinda taking up space so i need to make a decision. I know they turn away volunteers all the time here right now and I kinda feel like a jerk if I’m just sitting alone in the yard chain smoking all day. Anyway I’m hungry. Out