The getaway

I’m in a hotel in podunk Nebraska watching tv which is something I haven’t done in months and that might not seem like a big deal but when you come out of what I just did it’s a pretty incredible experience. I guess I watched a few hours of Netflix on my 2.5 inch phone screen but that doesn’t really count. Today was typical, I tried to depart crestone and drove 12 hours before I got free of Colorado’s curse because the entire fucking state is on fire and the highways were busy being closed anywhere going north, which of course was the direction I traveled in my last ditch effort to keep the very tiny tiny bit of sanity i have left. I’m better I think. Maybe not but I’m out of there and feel like that’s the first step at getting grounded and finding my center. I had 12 hours of thoughts today only this road trip, unlike last week’s, is completely alone which made it more enjoyable because when I busted out crying I didn’t care and I did that a few times. I cried again when funda called me to say her words. There’s something with that woman that is both incredibly frustrating but amazingly meaningful. Ive never really had a relationship like that with anyone in my life. I haven’t seen her since the day I got to crestone but we usually keep in decent contact via text but not like we used to be and that’s because she’s focused on herself and that’s great and she’s doing exactly what she’s supposed to be doing. I just miss her I guess but as I’m learning the past few years is that you can’t let yourself get to attached to anyone or anything and I didn’t follow that rule with her because I became so dependent on her when I started the healing process in the springs. I eventually got over that and tucked it away and really started focusing on my “intentions” when I get home. I don’t intend to tell my mom shit about where I am or what I’m doing and that kinda goes for everyone really. I thought continuously about what I want to accomplish while I am home but the truth is I don’t know what that is because I need to get back to neutral first because I’m sure everything would change anyway. I think about whether or not I’m going to drink a lot because a part of me wants to. Real bad. A part of me also knows that’s probably inevitable but……… break: today is Friday and I started writing this day’s ago in route to Michigan and a lot changed with my mental status but that’s a good thing because I feel ok about things. I’m still going to remain “dark” for a while, as best as I can anyway but it’s not a dire necessity because just like the old saying goes: what will be will be and I’m ok with that now. I’m not running, I’m not hiding and I’m not ashamed anymore to be back here no matter how long it lasts because I’m slowly realizing that there’s things here I quietly forgot that I loved. On the way in I stopped in green bay to see a bff and his family and that was a fresh breath of air that was much needed. Especially after putting on well over 5,000 miles in 2weeks. It allowed me to realise that the people I needed were going to be there if I reached out and that’s empowering. It’s kinda like when we were all kids and kinda enjoyed being part of a crew that people didn’t mess with because when shit got real so did we. We probably never were involved in a fair fight but to my knowledge never “lost”. It is basically impossible to lose when you combine the egos of 20guys that feel unstoppable because of the guys standing to the right and left but those were just how things were because the tougher you were usually meant the cooler you were. In hindsight that was wrong but also part of evolution I guess. Now it’s the opposite and much more meaningful because instead of being the “bully” I am probably the softest guy around. Take away all the tattoos and dirty hippy clothes and I’m a giant baby. That’s where my couple years of sobriety and evolving took me. Evolving was the slow process of shedding ego away and seeing what’s left when the smoke settles and if your doing it right then you’ll find yourself looking for ways to help people instead of hurting them. You replace “ego” with empathy or whatever traits you carry. Find those traits and polish the fuck out of them because that’s your gift from the universe and god I feel. I went and hungout with a few old friends on the 4th for a while and I really really enjoyed it and want to do that as much as possible while I’m here. I grew up with these specific 3 souls since I was a very small child. I remember being in 5th grade when I moved from them and headed to my dad’s but even then the friendships weren’t damaged and too pick up 20 years or 10 years or 5 years later like it was yesterday is special and doesn’t have to happen. I guess it was good for me and my ego to hear how my life was looked at through the eyes of the others and it kinda made me realize that as crazy and chaotic as I may live my life some people never have the chance to do some of the things I choose to do. I really am blessed even if i don’t realize it and a few hours really made me realize that. I love so so so many things about this place and I guess maybe ive been running all over the country looking for things that I could’ve found here if I chose to but I don’t think I could ever have become the person I am today, good and bad things, had my journey not gone the way it has so far. That being said I’m not home for good. I’m here for a good minute but I don’t think I’m ready to come back yet. I think this area has to evolve a bit before I’m comfortable clinging to my roots here. I know that the journey isn’t over like my brain led me to believe after touring the Pacific coast but I needed to step back for a minute and reflect on everything. Last week i hated my life and was wondering why I can’t find my path but truth be told I think I was on the right road all along. Some people go through things that suck but they only suck until you step back and see the lesson involved with each. I think the lesson that I just never gotta grasp on was that I can’t fix everything and everyone. For the past few months I was constantly told that I need to worry and work on myself and stop trying to help everyone else but that sounded ludicrous and I forgot their words before my chuckle subsided. Foolish.. just like most things I felt that because I’m older and have been through a lot it means I know more but that statement couldn’t be more wrong. I don’t know shit but I have a good start. I don’t think I feel as nearly as comfortable here as I once did and that’s a big reason why I stay away and hidden when I’m here. Ive been living a completely different life off grid and am a completely different person than they knew. I’m not ashamed of that anymore though. My first 2 days I’ve tried to spend alone or with the dogs and that’s been relaxing and given me some time to think and kinda come back to a clarity I need. Also ive been in contact with the family a shunned because of their shun and it turns out that was a misunderstanding as well. I learned, after arrival at my bff house that they have also frantically trying to locate my whereabouts and what abouts. Long story short they didn’t have my number because when I went off grid I changed it when I deleted facebook briefly. Oops. They couldn’t troll my page when I turned it back on because I deleted them because I was pissed. Oops. I’m glad that’s been taken care of. Maybe I should’ve came back a while ago but then I didn’t have a reason I guess. There was another lesson to learn in all this. I had my new friend do a tarot card reading in crestone before I left and the cards drawn and their meaning made me believe that I was making the right decision. Expensive life decision in making payments on a car that wasn’t mine and such so I could make this happen but I believe to be good ones non the less. Today I’m going to get that vehicle emissions tested so it can be registered and when all that paperwork is done and mailed here I could realistically head back but financially I’m here until the 1st no matter which way I look at it so I’m getting comfortable. I don’t know what’s next for me but I don’t think it’s in crestone with the way things were when I left but I think things got that way so I’d leave. I did. I have things to do here so I’ll reevaluate it all when those are handled and I help the people, mainly me, that I came to help. Out

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