I’m not even sure what to write but I am hoping that bleeding on paper can bring some clarity to everything because if not than I’m not sure what’s next. I’m angry, frustrated as fuck, depressed as fuck and just can’t shake it. It’s not the first time ive fallen in a dark place but this time it’s different I think. It’s hard to place your frustration and sadness into a 1-10 scale because my brain is infested with so many things. I’m lost. I have no clue what the fuck I’m doing anymore and I have no clue what to do or what would be best for me to do but the fact of the matter is that something has to give or I’m going to give. This last month has been super intense and if I said there wasn’t good moments that would be a lie but I can’t seem to find anything currently. Ive learned a lot about myself of the traveling but it’s been done under some shitty shitty circumstances through most. They say that when your backs against the wall is when you learn most about yourself and all ive learned is that I’m officially scared and wondering how I ended up where I am now. I guess I thought I would be ok when I got home but it’s been anything but ok. I still haven’t even seen my mom because she doesn’t want anything to do with my shit show and how could I blame her? Would I want someone around that’s just spinning crazy like a mad man? Probably not. I know I’m a good person with a big heart and I guess I just thought it would all workout after reading the spiritual books but I must have played my cards wrong because this wasn’t in any texts I’m certain. I guess “lost” would be the word I would use and I’m just slipping further into the hole. For a month I have woke each day not having a clue what’s going to happen or where I was going to sleep. Mentally, living this way, is absolutely draining and I’m finally out of gas. I would give just about anything for a safe place to sleep and live for a while but it just doesn’t seem as if that’s in the cards currently and that adds more frustration and frustration turned into anger and confusion and that’s not good. I know better than to allow myself to fall into that shit but I did and it shouldn’t have come to this. How did I let my shit get so out of control and what do I do to stop it? Depression is clearly playing a big role and I’m positive I’m just hoping that I would’ve gotten a break off some sorts but now. I am tired and need to figure something out quickly. Being home hasn’t been as welcoming as I had hoped but that’s life I guess. People change and I changed and I’m not sure why I came back and what I was hoping to find. I’m done looking for peace I think. I picked up robin last week from Minneapolis after his things went missing and he essentially became trapped in America and I couldn’t accept that he was sleeping on the streets in Denver anymore so I got him out but I don’t think it bettered my situation at all, in fact I’m positive it became tougher but I couldn’t say no because that’s just how I’m wired I guess. I thought I could help but haven’t and now we’re just stuck. Blogging hasn’t helped my brain at all so this will conclude here. Back to the drawing board to figure out how I can fix this with the means available. ✌

8hrs later:

I’m not in the clear yet but definitely calmed mentally and ready to stop the pity party. It’s hard getting it back together when you fall into a dark place and I think everyone alive can attest to that and if you can’t then your blessed. It’s how we percieved our situation that really causes the pain I think. I think that stepping back in important and I believe being in the present moment is more important if you can muster the strength to do that mentally. I forgot that last night when I hit my knees by the fire out of frustration that robin finally suggested that we take a few minutes to meditate and we did and immediately agreed it would be a good time to go to sleep. But when I woke I forgot about that because I woke up just feeling empty and pissed and depressed and lost so that’s where I stayed all day. Campfires and conversation has been my life for a month and I have had some of the deepest conversation I’ve ever had in my life about some meaningful things. I listen more than I talk usually because I read a stupid quote not long ago that said something about like “a wise man once said, nothing at all”. Kinda makes sense I guess and my current situation is my current “problem” but ive learned so so so so much and experienced so much stuff in the past months that some will never get to encounter personally and most will never understand besides me and the people and places ive been. For f’s sake ive traveled to and slept and experienced crazy amazing and hard things in 14 states this month alone!!!! That’s a lot of states, miles, camp fires, tears, smiles and “what the fuck am I doing” moments than I hope most encounter in 15years. I guess ive been so desperately thinking about how I fix this that I forgot that everything ive done for 4 years has been my the advice of my intuition and heart and maybe there’s more to this than feeling how I feel. I don’t even know when I blogged last to be honest. I know that I reached out to a few people privately and let them know a few things but not everyone, not even close. That’s probably because most of my feelings kinda are focused around being embarrassed, feeling shame, feeling complete failure and I constantly scream “what the fuck!!!!!” Sincerely in my brain most of the day lately. This isn’t how I saw this playing out and definitely won’t get me on Ellen but it is what it is. Ive learned that home isn’t home anymore and ive realized neither is living on the road for a living trying to save the world. I want to help but ive also realized that I should maybe try to help myself now before it’s too late. I can’t go back to the backs ive silently scratched and tell them that I need a scratch because I’ll never see those people again even though I’ll never forget them. Doing things for people no matter how big or small can’t be about what the can do in return. If you’re doing that than I support you because your helping but you can’t do it because it might get you a humanitarian award or hummer, do it because it feels good and it’s right. Maybe I selfishly did things so I can get on Ellen but that seems harmless…. maybe not though and maybe that’s where i messed up. Or not, who knows. I lost the one thing that I said was only mine to give away a week ago and that was 1,289 days straight without touching a drink. If you want to feel like failure than do that. I was and kinda still am just giving up in a way I suppose but I’m still really bad at quitting and seem to pull it back together when I think it’s impossible. Ive thought about suicide more in the last 2 days than i did in the first 36 years but now I’m aware I have to do it right if I do it and that’s when I stop. I know that I’m not going out like that but I also know that it’s impossible that I’m the only person in the world that goes to that place. It’s a shitty place but you, I, have to get out. Ive been frustrated home because the “hippy” comments and shit are frustrating because they come from conversations talking about healing and the way we live and see life. Nobody is wrong and I think I get mad because I have nothing to show for this life. I don’t even have a car or bed I mean who would believe I know something that they don’t? I have taking all the pain from the last few weeks and just want to help still. Maybe if I tried sharing what I know around here than it could slowly pick up steam and could help people. Simple things like meditation and natural medicines. I know those things and since they haven’t been a part of my routine, month now, I’ve lost my shit and sit around a fire sad and thinking. But today a friend reached out and she’s in a bad place as well so I think we are plotting to combine sadness and try to recreate awesomeness like we’ve done. I served with her and blogged from her place in Florida before I left and she was in a bad spot than to but I convinced her that Wisconsin could help her and that it was full of good people if she would finally just say “fuck it” and go. She did and I can’t believe it really but she did and now we both need a fresh start in a new place and I think if I think about it hard enough enough and figure out a plan than I’ll stay around Wisconsin for a while. Not hometown Wisconsin but still in the state. I’m sick of starting over but I’m burnt out and I need to plant some roots. Not knowing where your sleeping at night takes a toll on a brain. I shouldn’t struggle, I get money, but I do because I always put others first with my money so maybe I stop that for a minute. Maybe I should just focus on me because I kinda stopped that a long while ago. Anyway I’m tired and I’m going to bed now. Tomorrow’s a fresh day and I’d like to start over. Robin is going to start hitching again tomorrow and I sadly told him the journey is stopping here for me for a while and i can’t go anymore. Time to just make sense of the things that I haven’t grasped yet.. he changed my life and I hope i changed his but I’m not mentally as mature and just don’t want to live this way for a minute… anyway goodnight

Justin 2343

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