Worth it

Let’s get right to it. Today I talked to a friend I haven’t seen in 18 years and she said some things that i agree with and here we are.. one of the things she said was that i need to keep writing and not worrying about what anyone thinks because i write for me and nobody else. It feels good and I don’t know why. Maybe because I don’t talk anymore, not like i used to anyway. Since the day I left this place in route to colorado to live in a stranger’s basement because I was convinced god wanted me there and I was going to find my happiness and purpose there helping people and it’s been an absolutely crazy crazy crazy ride since that day. Wow just thinking about it makes me uncomfortable but in a good way. Why good you ask? Well; I’ve never in my life that way before. I’ve had a crazy life but this last chapter took the cake. I took more chances and risks than ever before but it was ok because I had so much faith that my miracle was happening and I just kept going because “I had this”. My car was repossessed because I fell in love with helping people from everything I learned about cannabis. It was worth it still because once you hear the stories and then get involved with making the cure for cancer, Alzheimer’s, multiple sclerosis(symptom free over a year now, zero, nothing. I can do a marathon race now with zero problems, – zero fucking desire to run a marathon. It was condition after condition for a long time being cured by an oil we made in the f’n garage in a crock pot. Who wouldn’t fall in love with that? Cure your first stage 4breast cancer patient in her death bed in 90 days. Do that and than tell me about that feeling in your chest and come back and tell me you understand now why that I live my life based on the theory “patients over profits”. That car payment didn’t have a chance and I knew it but didn’t care because I finally felt in my heart what it feels like when your in true love. I fell in absolute love with tears of gratitude and hope and helping people. Truly helping them! Helping them watch their grandfather see 80 and their baby having seizures. I learned so much about cannabis and the endocanniboid system that I could probably teach a class at John’s Hopkins university. But it got hard talking to friends back here about what I was doing because nobody believed me. I got mad and now I’m home and not even talking to my mom. That sucks but it is what it is. Nobody feels sorry for me because I ran off chasing god, and later met him, and was now living off grid in a castle with a bunch of hippies. I get that so I’m keeping quiet here. They don’t know what getting spiritual is and how incredible the awakening process is. Incredible is the word that comes to mind though. It was incredible, all of it. I got fucked over more in 2years than all the others combined. Being accused of rape doesn’t come close to the pain the betrayal I felt in colorado. I had an incredible grow operation that was a dream come true get ripped away from me and little did I know, never was going to answer my financial problems but be an incredible opportunity to help people. I knew they were up to good at the end and that’s why it went down the way it did. I was blessed enough to get enough weed out to at least get a jeep that would get me to crestone eventually. All of those things came about after getting involved with veteran suicide and later meet my soul sister Funda. Life really got crazy after that after I met her at a veteran suicide gathering in Denver on 11/11. 1111 letter became the biggest angel number in this crazy phrase. It decided everything major and I see it everywhere. 11/11 the year before Funda lost the love of her life to suicide. It was important and still is. After meeting her I got into other ways of healing through physcadelics and such. In a very short time I went from pissed off and frustrated into on top of the world again and I am positive I can stop veteran suicide on top of the other things I learned. I got a fucking bachelor’s degree in “healing”. I never cried so much in my life and eventually started going to my Friday shrink because I wasn’t ready to die yet, I was on to something. That changed me forever too and I actually emailed her the other day. I told her EVERYTHING I had done as I did it. She loved Friday when I came because she supported most things I was doing and how we did them in the right setting. I did MDMA, dmt, dmt5moe(toad), mushrooms all the time at the end, LSD, molly, probably something I can’t think of. It was incredible and I got very involved with non profit through VNR. I loved learning about this things and if you haven’t tripped all day in the desert in the mountains followed by dinner and a few hours in the hot springs with dinner and DMT “cherry on top” than I suggest you do. That’s where I finally got to meet god for a few minutes after smoking DMT and I knew I was right on track. I was positive I found my calling and he told me so in my trip after taking 30+ years of pain away. A few days after that I was in a 10 day complete “Nobel silence” meditation retreat. I got more spiritual than I thought possible. I didn’t need a church for that, it was basically about “love” and that’s when the hippie journey began. That’s the favorite but hardest part. I have to pause when I think about that because my stomach drops, and remains. Crestone fucking colorado. It is more incredible than I can describe. I think the only way to truly know is to spend some time there. It destroyed me and put me into a bigger personal battle spiritually than one should or could endure. Unless your living in one of the many Shrines there because it was secretly one of the most spiritual places on the planet. I loved going to the local market and always seeing “strange”. I don’t think I went there once when there wasn’t a “smiley” short, monk woman wearing a red robe. It was the happiest and most enlightened place on the planet. I hope everyone’s spiritual journey leads them there because they will be able to heal and be more at peace than thought imaginable. The downside to that is that it can destroy you in a second. 2 full moons there was enough for me. I discovered that I’m the world’s biggest empath secretly. The energy levels there are scientifically proven to be higher than anywhere in the f’n world. When you get into a funk than it’s game over. It sticks it right in your soul. When the vibe gets bad in that place it’s game over. Lost my mind after an absolutely incredible 5,000 mile journey through 14 states and now I’m back home in my best friends garage trying to figure out how the f I got here. I’m drinking again after 1,289 days straight without looking at one. Although I only got hammered or even touched booze once that was enough after getting in a brawl by the fire pit like we did when were 17. No thanks, I know where that goes and I’ll never stick my hand in that fire again. Thanks to cannabis I can feel that thing again so I’m good. Few beers and some music in the garage alone at night is enough. Tonight I’m stressing because tomorrow is the 1st and now that I’ve decided I’m going to stay for a bit I have to pay for my super tiny house and try to buy a car in green bay from a place that says they guarantee I can get one. I know that interest rate is going to double my child support debt relief time but that’s what i get. That creditor never cured cancer I bet. Point is it’s time to start cleaning up the mess and manning up. I like the idea now finally and hope I can help this community evolve a bit because it hasn’t since Noah himself floated the menomonee during fall carving out the beautiful bluffs. I’m finding and connecting magically with the people I’m supposed to. I’m not alone here but it’s very few. But it’s enough for me to want to rebuild and clean up this mess. So far I am buying a couch and loveseat tomorrow and hopefully a vehicle but that will probably be it until next month. It’s gonna take a minute but I’m ready. Cash jobs will be easy for me here I think. I’m ready and challenge has been accepted. Maybe then my family will start talking to me and stop thinking I’m crazy again. I laugh about that now though and thanks to my memory I know it was worth every minute of it and most will never understand it. It’s impossible. I’ve even applied to a few jobs here and was offered a few interviews already if I chose to that route. I also have to figure out how to get this car I borrowed back to crestone. My ass isn’t going anywhere near there for a long long long time. I won’t say “never’ though. Not anymore, not after that ride. K that’s all for tonight.


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