Today I’m writing because I don’t break things or punch things anymore,,, but I’m close today. I want up until recently but I just got news on my jeep and the mechanic texted me and said it’s an internal engine issue and he doesn’t have the shop capable of fixing it which is a really big kick in the pants. Really really big. It’s not like there’s 5 shops to choose from, there’s barely one so this news sucked the life out of me. I had just emailed a couple in Oregon letting them know that no matter what I should have a jeep and be able to relocate there no later than July to embark on the next adventure on their farm to volunteer just as I am here but that’s probably over now. This hurts my mindset pretty bad because I finally had my weekend with the veterans and got my shit together again and that’s what led me to look for another spot to go volunteer for a while. I can’t stay here much longer and have my brain functioning right. It hasn’t for a few weeks. This place has given me amazing amazing memories and taught me a ton but it was time for a break. That’s how this workaway typically works. It’s uncommon for someone to be dedicated to one project for this long but it happens, I just need a break whether it’s a month or a year I need to get away but get away while continuing to do what I’m doing for not only others but myself as well. I’m seasoned enough in the bad luck game to not run straight to a bottle of booze or pills anymore but I’d be lying if I said I was ok. The plan was to suck it up and drop a grand I don’t really have and get my wheels and move on for a minute and regroup but now that looks impossible. Now I’m literally stranded in crestone Colorado and I don’t know how I’m going to get a vehicle worthy of cross country transportation. I thought I just had that. I trying to sit in my bean bag chair and play the scenario but no matter what way I look at it from right now it doesn’t make sense so I’m at a stalemate and stalemates are bullshit because there’s no winner there. My mom just texted me and said maybe it’s good because I need to stop wandering? Seriously? Why wouldn’t I wander until I find my spot? I’m getting closer I have to be. Right? Even if we’re only going as far back as to when I wrote my first blog post I still think that my attention has completely been focused on doing “good” for people and with doing that things were going to get easier but they haven’t and every time I get kicked in the dick I just brush it off and tell myself that there’s a reason and bury it and move on but now I’m at the point where no matter how positive I try to remain I just don’t have it m the energy anymore and now I’m staring at the dark dark dark place and kicking and screaming and fighting to not get sucked back into it because I know what happens there annes I’m not sure I can continue to battle my way out of there without some help. Depression is inevitable and when your running out of the positive to cling too it makes the battle pretty impossible. That’s where I’m currently standing and it just doesn’t seem fair but I guess they say life isn’t fair. I’ve been completely open with everything I’ve went through and go through for almost 3 years and maybe I’m missing something and if I am and you see it then please jump in on a personal message through facebook or 2 Aden a text and let me know because I’m desperately looking. Being trapped is a terrible terrible terrible feeling and up until 30minutes ago I was holding on to a glimpse of hope and my escape plan. That’s gone now. That was just taken and I honestly don’t know what to do about the vehicle situation. That jeep didn’t even last 2 months and now I’m stuck in a place with no real mechanic shop and I’m supposed to be in oregon soon. I don’t know. I don’t hate crestone at all but it’s not a place to live for different reasons than most places. It’s great for its retreats and evolving super fast but when your here for 40 days without a break it’s probably one of the toughest places on the planet to live. This vortex here apparently feels as if I’m not supposed to leave and if I just knew why then maybe it would be easier but right now it’s really hard. When your in the mindset that I am and playing with the universe nothing makes sense and trying to makes sense of things whether they are good or bad just sucks. I don’t really know what else to say right now so I’m going to eat 1gram of mushrooms and ease the anxiety a bit and reevaluate. I need to manifest a car quickly.
Justin out 1851
Update 2042 I’m not happy but I’m really ok with today. Apparently the neighbor knew someone needed some words now annes found me I listened very closely. This place is crazy but apparently being sucked in here only happens to the ones called here and I think it’s crazy but that’s what this place is and why it’s so special I guess. It forces you to deal with this shit and doesn’t let you quit or leave until you figure it out. It’s another personal battle funda knows I haven’t finished and we barely talk and she knows it but that’s why we rarely talk. She’s good at her role and I know everything is happening the way it’s supposed to and if I find the lesson the miracle happens. I’m tired goodnight